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Do you love me, like I love you.... Or Am I Standing Still.... <--- 04062002 ---> Summer is getting nearer, skirts are getting shorter, skin is getting tanner and I'm just going on strong, the way I am; the way I will always will be; the way I've never been. In short, these are the days of my life. Remind me to look back at the summer that will come, I wonder if I think then whether it was what I now think it will or would be. Will things ever be how it would when it was? Would I want it to be? Who will know, who understood the last 3 lines? Who is that doggy in the window, BINGO. On to more clear water. I'm enjoying myself in these new surroundings, I thrive well here. Honestly there is not even much change, I don't miss home. I didn't miss this when I was home. There seems to be nothing wrong or nothing out of place I think. There never was. I suppose I am just as well here now, as I was home then. That's good. Good luck Lottie, at this weeks endeavours. May the grammar be with you. My mind is there. Ooheeehoooo hoohehooo... All the promises we broke.... <--- 06062002 ---> The difference between love and lust is probably that your thoughts in love start with 'It doesn't matter if...' and thoughts in lust with 'I want...'. When waiting, sitting, standing, taking a position between moving or equally waiting, sitting or standing people, the only thing I can do is scanning. Scanning is not done by choice really, it is a way of surviving utter boredom. How to do it? It really only is looking around you and shifting your focus on all the people you see walking by or just around you. Don't look at people, just focus and wait for a prejudice to come, when it is there, DEFOCUS! and go to the next person. And let what your first thoughts or prejudices say to you sink in while you are already scanning ahead: Nose, skinny, wrong shoes, eyebrows, small clothes, wart, yellow face, asymmetric mouth, ugly, boobs. Enlightenment will be near... Be careful, other scanners may be operative. When you scan somebody that is scanning you.. feel the fright and hurry to the next person.. if you don't, the other person will. Count on that. It will make you the looker and the other the scanner. Run away, turn away, run away, turn away, run away... Crying to your soul.... <--- 07062002 ---> Excerpt from a free newspaper, of Swedish origin, called Metro. Today's horoscope: Geminis : You are having a highly sensual radiation. This is a good day to win things over, and not just in love. Libras: Your partner is sensual today. You better comply to his needs and you'll see that you'll be personally satisfied yourself. And in the day, everything's complex... There's nothing simple, when I'm not around you.... <--- 08062002 ---> It was the saddest morning ever. I woke up teary eyed from the saddest dream I've ever had. Which kept me moving and pondering around in my bed for another quick hour. To celebrate it we did a one season-worth grocery shopping and baked an apple pie. As an encore we cleansed the entire house, including a thorough bathroom rinse and toilet wipe. Joy to the world, that has such creatures in it. Children waiting for the day they feel good... Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday <--- 13062002 ---> The world has turned anew to a darker shade of gray. Very hostile in nature, not yet noticing me. Where I pinch my bubble there is darkness, I am the most happy and luckiest person in this godforsaken world, alone. Take me now, I've seen enough. If I could find a souvenier. Just to prove the world was here... And here is a red balloon, I think of you and let it go... <--- 15062002 ---> I have been foolish. I had no right to take my life in my own hands. When I searched for a room, that of course didn't work out, I had to wait for René to offer me one. I merely agreed as You would have approved. But this time Lord, I thought it was different. I followed my heart and my mind too, You know. I chose for this girl, God, and before that I didn't even think I had a heart, You know that I'm sure. I'm sorry I tried to ignore fate, my fate. I thought you gave me my way Lord, but I guess I was now too blinded to see all your usual warnings. But God, Your lessons never fail and the only way to rectify my wrong is to make the decision, to chose, to stay away from the girl where love is concerned. You know what kind of Love I mean, God. You're supposed to be made out of it. She's very cool though, I hope you'll let her wanting to chat with me still, it's not her fault. I'll just patiently wait for You to let someone contact me, hey, maybe you already did. But I won't meddle into that, since they are not my affairs clearly. If I may be so free, Lord. I notice a trend. In the last years you've showed me closer and closer how bad the world is, I hope You are not preparing me now to experience the bad things in person. I wonder what You have in store for me next. Remember, it's my birthday soon. You know what I want; what I tried to seek, what I need. I know You are laughing now, I am in no position to want things.. but keep it in mind when You balance my good and bad experiences in my future life. In hope of a fruitful cooperation, Your humble servant. PS. Remember what You made the stars say about me in the horoscope after June 15th. How can I laugh tomorrow... when I can't even smile today... <--- 1 9 0 6 2 0 0 2 ---> AWWWWWWWWWSOMIC!!! My birthday is herrrrrree! Whooohooo! Lay down your horses, pull up those panties, be a doll and fight for what you deceive, cauz it's Merry Pudgemas to me! Seriously, I've been bouncy all day, thanks to some of my dear, mostly online, friends lol. There were some quinks that could normally make me depressed during my birthday but not today. And in the end all ended up well. It's a bit sad for a few I hold dear in my heart that their day was not as much as fun, I wish I was Santa and could bring joy to the world. lol.. anyway I've decided it's gonna be my birthday till as long as I stay bouncy, talkative and illusionally insane! So if it's all the same to you, wish me a happy birthday still for the upcoming days weeks and months. The weather was great, though they had predicted lousy weather. But the weather has never been bad on my birthday. I don't believe in you, but I know you are there God lol. Praise for the singing, praise for the morning... Praise for the springing fresh from the world... <--- 24062002 ---> It's still my birthday, though it was a bit tricky yesterday... almost the end of it. I was in a mood when I tried to listen to all kinds of 40-50ies music. Like songs by Ella Fitzgerald, Artie Shaw, Vera Lynn, Eddy Howard. Anyway they are great for dancing with a loved one no doubt. lol. I just at the moment missed that loved one in my arms. But I made it through, without being depressed about it though. lol. I have been living here for a while now, and at times I feel my bed is shaking. I already started to believe that it was caused by a somewhat unbenign form of ghoul. But this morning I listened real carefully and understood that my bed was shaking because it is put against the wall and the wall was shaking. The wall was shaking because on the other side of it there is also a bed put against it. And this bed is shaking because a certain man and certainly a loud moaning woman were doing business on that bed which required a lot of rythmic hip motions. So that was the down-to-earth explanation of my paranormal experience. Why I have not heard all of this before I can only ascribe to the fact that the guy is apparantly getting better at satisfying his mate. Talking about satisfying. I completely read your gift Char.. it was the sweetest thing! Closer by the minute was really something appropriate when I was talking to you last night. To the rest who are unfortunate to be my friends, I might not seem to care much lately.. and maybe that's because I don't lol, but that is all dependent on the moment and I've surely not forgotten any of you. I hear you're blaming me for all your problems... Well if you'd quit complaining you might solve 'em... <--- 26062002 ---> Well my birthday is over alright. Yesterday was a day of an utter stay-in-bedness level, but without me staying in bed. Apart from a girl unnoticingly rubbing her naked calf (limb) against my naked calf, it was disaster. Having said that, the future looks crowded in my eyes. Stress to finish my report. Showers of sweat for the unforgettable presentation that will conclude my internship and a nice little exam which is planned right in the middle of all that goo. Did I forget to mention that I have not as yet openened my book for the subject in matter? Good. Consider it done. Also keep in mind that I am readily fedding myself up to a point where I am fed up with all things in onlineness.. from finally getting online with that HotShotShit connection to all the people I am supposed to be friends of; from not being able to find information to the feeling of being a total dope. A few weeks and then a break from my life, hopefully. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrgh!! lol.. having said that I'm cheering up already. Fish&Chips for everyone!.. except me and Char of course.. we HATE fish! lol.. oh and no chips for Char lmao, she'll have the water. ;).. well that ain't fair is it? okokok scrap all that.. Water for Everyone!!!! RIGHT.. don't you even dare call me cheap! lol. And I don't want the world to see me 'Cause I don't think that they'd understand... When everything's made to be broken I just want you to know who I am... <--- 28062002 ---> The world is way too big to have become so incredibly small. Things get mixed up. Forty tv stations showing pain allover the world. Crying over an actor in a soap opera is more common than grieving over a friend. Your best friends are thousands of kilometres away and you have never seen them. You are very active in saving the Rhino, from your house in Western Smalltown, but you have never checked if your neighbour is doing ok. Hundreds of new movies per year to watch and feel, hundreds of books with a new world of their own, hundreds of glossy magazines full things you should buy. Pushing and pulling you around, denting you and millions of people are unknowingly altogether leaving an impact. But as easy as it is to get an impact, so very impossibly difficult is it to make an impact yourself in this very small but very vast world. So let's never forget those who did genuinely make an impact on you, and think of what kind of an impact you have had on him/her/it or can have in the future.. and use this to nourish your happiness. |